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Retro Gaming Nights: Punch Out

Bored? Wanna change of pace from your normal gaming? Well, I am proud to announce a monthly feature of GameOPS called Retro Gaming Nights. This will be GameOPS' monthly special featuring games from the past.

For our first issue, well I did so I went to the closet to look for that old NES and pop up a classic or two. Hmm Punch Out?!!! Damn! I remember I never got to finish that game when I was a kid. A bald guy kept on knocking me out in one punch. Ok here we go!!!

Minor Circuit

Glass Joe

Whoever said old games never gave tutorials is so so wrong. Glass Joe is proof that indeed Punch Out has a tutorial. Ok little left and right punches here. Whhhhoooooaaaaaa halfway through the fight Glass Joe suddenly poses and starts taunting me! “c’mon, c’mon” A punch in the face later and well lets just say he won’t be boxing anytime some.

Von Kaiser

With a name like Kaiser I was expecting more of a fight. Man, this guy literally eats jabs all day long.

Strategy: Get a star, dodge his next uppercut or create an opening like I care then floor the guy. Kaput.

One interesting note about this guy is that he shakes his noggin everytime he gets dizzy. Hehe

Boss: Piston Honda

Ok ok a TKO from Tokyo how original right. Now this guy is the first real challenge you’ll have in Punch Out. I played a little defensively here and wallah…I got through.

Just block his Piston Hurricane. That’s about 4-5 punches then quickly dodge the upcoming uppercut.

I used to have a comic book of Little Mac fighting this guy. Turns out he’s not the bad sort and is kinda a local hero in his hometown. Whoooaaaa!! The original Manny Pacquiao.

Interlude: Alright! Eye candy! (Little Mac being bitched by Doc) Ok, so a moving background is not much of an eye candy. Well if you wanted eye candy in the NES then you’re playing the wrong game stupid! Try Ninja Gaiden.

Major Circuit

Don Flamenco

Believe it or not this guy is my most memorable Punch Out character. Why? Because my high school teacher looks exactly like this guy. Yup, down to the details. The hair, the saliva. eww.

Punch, Dodge, left and right punches alternately. Repeat. Boring

King Hippo

The famous Captain N nemesis that always drops his trunks. You can’t imagine him without the oh so friggin cute eggplant wizard.

This guy is disgusting. After being pummeled several times I finally remembered to punch that big mouth of his (Doc is useful after all) and lo and behold I finally got to see that lame assed excuse for a belly button (bandaged of course) so I pummeled the guy with all the body shots I can muster. Finito.

With a gut like that he won’t be making too many comebacks ayt?

Great Tiger

Reminds me a lot of Von Kaiser. This guy is supposed to be a magician of some kind so it’s allowable to do that fancy smancy teleportation stuff and his illusionary punches. Bottom line? All the magic in this world can’t make up for his lame assed boxing skills!

When he starts to pose and uses his illusionary punches aka tiger punch (Sagat would be ROFL when he hears about this) just sit back and block everything til he gets dizzy then counterpunch.

See that wasn’t so hard.

Boss: Bald Bull

Crap. Now I remember this guy was the reason I never got to finish the game. Besides being ugly as in aliens ugly this guy has a weird head shape and ugly teeth too. C’mon guys this is one ugly dude.

Ok here’s the catch. There’s only 1 way to beat this guy. When he poses for his bull charge wait for the third hop then punch him in the gut. This seems easy but believe me I’ve had nightmare about this.

Damn ugly asswipe made me retry. But I finally got him!!!! After all these years!!! This will be remembered as one of the biggest day in video game history!!! If anybody has a problem with that you can e-mail me at rocky (AT)gameops(DOT)net

Interlude: Alright! Another Eye candy moment! Holy crap?! Talk about originality. At least they turned it into night.

World Circuit

Piston Honda (again)

Same banana except I got to knock him out by punching him first before he got to land his piston hurricane.

Did somebody ever tell this guy that usually when a boxer returns in Punch Out they get stronger and harder to defeat? Maybe not.

Soda Popinski

A guy who gets drunk drinking soda? WTF?

Later I found out that this guy was originally named “Vodka Drunkenski” now that’s more like it but hey can an intoxicated guy be allowed to fight in the ring? Apparently so but c’mon jeez the guys colored pink already.

After you’ve overcome all those uppercuts hehe the secret is in blocking the guy to make him give you that stupid look then retaliate while he’s confused.

Bald Bull (again)

F@ck that sh!t I get to fight this guy again?! Good thing he hasn’t learned any new tricks.

Ok repeat the fearless strategy. 3rd hop, bop that’s it.

Don Flamenco (again)

Love this guy’s intro. Dandaananadananan..doink. Among the 3 comeback kids he’s the one with the most improvement. He still looks stupid though and who the hell is Carmen? And for that matter why are you talking to Mario you spineless twerp. If this goes to a decision I’m screwed.

Mr. Sandman

Ok? Stop is it just me or does he look slightly overweight? Curly got his name from his triple uppercuts called “Dreamland Express”.

To stop his triple uppercuts dodge him then jab and then lay the smacketh down with the body blows.

Man, good thing I have my handy dandy password. This guy is HARD.

Boss: Super Macho Man

Super Macho Man can be personified by referring to Angelina Jolie’s first Tomb Raider movie. Why? He looks like the villain but has the breasts (manboobs) and waistline of Angelina Jolie.

This guy’s uppercuts hurt, I mean just look at the animation (ouch) and not only that they also stun.

After learning to dodge his Super Spin Punch the rest is smooth sailing.

Dream Fight

Mr. Dream (Mike Tyson)

WTF?! Where’s Mike Tyson? Who’s Mr. Dream? The long lost brother of Mr. Sandman? Why am I fighting a white dude who keeps winking at me? Is this game some kinda bootlegged version?

After I finally got over the shock I was able to confirm through Jepoy that NINTENDO changed Mike Tyson’s Punch Out to just Punch Out due to his contract expiring and being recently beaten by Buster Douglas.

The hell with all that info I got bigger fish to fry! Bring it on Mr. (snicker, snicker) Dream. Now you know what Michael Jackson feels like hahaha.

Crap I can’t beat this guy! He knocked me out so many times I lost count.

Hence the conclusion. A bulldozer by another name still hits like one.

Man, I quit! This guy is impossible! The Game Genie codes don't help. :))


Whew! That was fun right? Join us again next month for another round of retro gaming! But before we sign off, let me leave you guys with some hilarious live action Punch Out video:

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